The Clown of the Family

I have used this space in the past to discuss some aspects of addiction and alcoholism, and I do so again tonight. It's a subject I know a lot more about than I ever wanted to know.

There is a certain - irony? - here. I have long since stopped  treating my struggles with alcohol as a deep, dark secret. I have written about it here; I have spoken about it in church youth retreats (hear this message if you hear no other: THE ONLY DRINK YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS THE FIRST ONE YOU EVER TAKE. After that, all bets are off, unless you have an addict/alcoholic in your immediate family line. In that case, the bets are in, and the betting line is not in your favor.) I have given a safety training meeting at work on the subject, using my own experience as a backdrop.

If you hear a second message, hear this one: YOU CAN STOP! Genetics is not fate. At my low point I was living out of the back of a station wagon outside Ligonier, Pennsylvania. My family was back on Joliet. My last drink was December 7, 1985. I stopped and got my life back. You can, too.

Every time I have made presentations, or written something, my fondest hope is that everyone will say, "Had nothing to do with me. You bored me to tears." But, instead, every time, without fail, there has been someone who said, in one way or another, that what I had said or written has reached them. And I am very happy to know it. One of the things we learn in AA is that one of the important keys to us staying sober is helping someone else to do likewise. I and my family went through a lot. If I kept this among the secrets of my life, if I didn't try to help others in some way, our suffering would have been meaningless. (Suffering gains meaning by helping someone else? Wow - we're getting all philosophical here.) So, thanks for responding. Please know that you continue to be in my heart and in my prayer. And, as they used to say on TV, "Keep those cards and letters (and e-mails, and posting comments, and conversations) coming in, folks!" If I have said something that reached you - if you think that what I have to say is worthwhile at all - I'd love to know it.

In a previous posting I discussed the effect that addiction has on the families of the addict. We talked about the codependent and the addict, and how difficult it can be, once this family is in therapy, to determine who is in which role. This determination is made the more difficult by the frequent trading of roles between these two (usually the parents). We also discussed one of the types of children that come from such a family - the uber-conscientious, hyper-responsible people-pleasing overachiever. This person, usually but not always a firstborn, puts on the Supergirl mask so that outsiders would not guess about the family situation.

The second personality that often emerges from these situations is The Clown. The Clown has a great sense of humor, and is always ready to put on a show. He's always good for a laugh or a joke. This makes The Clown wonderfully popular, and The Clown seems to use humor to make his peace with life.

The Clown uses that sense of humor for something else, actually. This shows up when this family is in therapy. The discussion is getting intense and emotional. The family and the therapist are just about to confront something honestly (another key to recovery and healing is being honest with yourself) - right at that intense moment, The Clown decides to put on his show. The Clown's purpose is to distract the others from the subject at hand. The Clown has no intention of letting anyone know what this family's dynamic is.

It can be interesting to examine the interplay between the personality types. Often, Superkid is the firstborn. At some point, she will leave, usually at her earliest opportunity. Who, then, is going to care for everything at home? As often as not The Clown moves into that role.

It's easy to oversimplify this. There are Superkids and Clowns from families that are not touched by addiction. Just because you know such children, this does not mean there is addiction in the home. It just means that their personalities have formed this way. Children from addictive homes tend to have these traits on steroids - very intensely. But you don't want to get into amateur diagnostics. The human personality is a splendidly complex thing, to be loved and appreciated as a complex thing.

There's another personality type that often comes from these homes - The Lost Child - but that's for another day.

Thanks for hanging out for a few. I'd love your thoughts!