They don't call me Eddie Crocker. . .

 Something's burning.

Something's burning.

Something's burning,

And I think it's. . .

The pork chops.

This evening I was asked to help cook something. Horrors.

My history with pots, pans, stoves, ovens has not been a great one. Odd, because when I was a kid I took some interest in baking. (Yeah, I had my quirks.) I didn't do all that badly. I don't remember anybody running for the bathroom doubled over. I had no idea how much help my mother was in these endeavors. I was able to make my offerings with pride.

from some Hardee's commercials: "Without us, some guys would starve."

Soldiers who gathered  in England in preparation for the D-Day invasion recalled their diet: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, seven days a week, three meals a day. Many of these soldiers, for the rest of their lives, could not stand the sight of peanut butter.

I might have met that fate myself, and not because of any pending invasion, had I not met and married someone who could cook. We had four daughters, and they, for the most part, learned the fine art from their mom. Thank goodness!

On one occasion, when my wife was away due to her father's illness, I tried to cook some pork chops on the grill for our kids. I knew that I was supposed to put some foil on the grill. I didn't know that it mattered whether the shiny side was up or down. I managed to turn a bunch or perfectly good pork chops into hockey pucks. Our son threw one on the floor. It broke - the pork chop, I mean. Not the floor, although the outcome of the floor vs. chop conflict was in doubt.

I've turned chicken noodle soup into something - fried.

I've tried to boil water. Burned it.

So, imagine my terror when my wife called to me tonight. She was making something for our family reunion tomorrow. "Dear?" I walk fearfully toward the kitchen. "Yes?"

"I need you to stir these noodles until they come back to a boil." Then a pause. "Can you DO that??"

OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Well, I did, and no disaster has occurred yet. What - you mean you can overcook those? Oh - BRB.

I'll be at the Iowa State Fair, working our pavilion from 4-8 PM on August 19, and from 8 AM-12 noon on August 20. So, which Applebee's? Yeah, it's the Embassy Suites I'll be staying at. No, I'm not going to try it myself. I'm into creating ashes, not eating them.