NO GENETICS, NO ADDICTION. Some doctors and counselors would say it this starkly. Not everybody who has an addict in their family line become addicts themselves. But there are very few addicts who do not have an addict in the family line.
I would not necessarily use this with someone that I thought needed help. The reason is that not everyone who has an addict in the family line knows it. Often it's not talked about, even within the family. Alcoholism still has a stigma, even though it is thought of as a disease - predictable course, predictable outcome. But, if Grandpa died of a heart attack, we're fine with talking about that. And if Aunt Sally passed on because of cancer, we may discuss the entire course of the condition - treatment, symptoms, well into TMI country. But if Uncle Ralph died of cirrhosis - "Shhhh. Uncle Ralph got really sick."
THE ELEMENT OF DENIAL. Many definitions of addiction include a reference to an element of denial. The capacity of the alcoholic to deny and rationalize can be amazing. One may be in a hospital bed, dying from cirrhosis. He's lost family - more than once. He's lost jobs and a business or two. But, even at this moment he still maintains, "I didn't have a problem drinking."
Yes, we can see that. It was the staying sober that you couldn't handle.
ONE DAY AT A TIME is a lifesaver. There's the big sweeping statement we seem so fond of making: "I'll never do THAT to myself again." You've made your mind up, once and for all, and you'll never drink again. . .until tomorrow night. The approach that has worked, time and again, for millions: One Day At a Time. It's not fair that I can't have a Chianti with my lasagna, that I can't have a Brandy Alexander after dinner. I can't have the beers-and-pizza party. I can just have the pizza, and not too much of that. I can't handle the thought that this will be so for the rest of my life. But I can - I CAN - get through today. I can be sober today. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I last had a drink December 7, 1985 - but my sobriety hasn't been 24-years-+. It's been single day after single day, a series of single days strung together. Few days go by that I don't want a drink. But, day by day, I have been sober.
GET TO KNOW YOUR HIGHER POWER.AA is not picky about your Higher Power. It can be God. It can be an old windowsill. Our attitude: whatever works for you. Some use AA itself as the Higher Power. AA has helped millions to recovery, and you can't handle your own drinking. That makes them a higher power than you, at least in some sense. I call my Higher Power God - there were, by his grace, too many of just the right people in just the right time at just the right place for me to think of it all as coincidence. Don't ask for my explanation for those who were not so lucky. I don't have such an explanation.
GET OVER YOUR RESENTMENTS. You can't afford them - they're a great excuse for your next bender.
ABOVE ALL, FIND HELP. TAKE ADVANTAGE. I first went to an AA meeting in Dubuque, Iowa. Was I ever hesitant! I parked outside the building, and did a waltz with my van for several minutes. "Am I going in? No? I need to? Not?" Yes - no - out of the van, onto the street, back in the van. I eventually got out of the van and crossed the street. The AA chapter that I went to was in the basement of its building. Just because we have a sense of humor about such things, to get to the basement you had to walk past The Dog House Lounge - one of the busier bars in Dubuque. If the AA person with the key didn't show up, we had to get the key to the AA meeting room - from the bartender.
In my discussing this, it's my sincerest hope that someone who needs some help may know it - that they may recognize the behaviors that they exhibit - that they may recognize themselves in that 14-year-old girl I described earlier, or see themselves as the parent of that girl. Whoever you are, there's help. Please grab it. If you need to, find a way to contact me. I'll try to put you in touch with the needed help.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks for hanging out with me for a few!
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