Memory

I'm Rick. I'm a gratefully recovering alcoholic.

I think the blackouts were the scariest. There was other stuff, but - the blackouts. Yeah, definitely the blackouts.

A blackout isn't when you're passed out on the floor. That's just - passed out on the floor. Someone who is in a blackout is walking, talking, functioning, joking, singing, whatever. It's the memory that's blacked out - whatever it is you do, you retain no memory of it.

A blackout? That's when a guy wakes up in a jail cell, having no clue what he's there for, because he remembers nothing after the first couple of drinks. He goes to his arraignment, maybe expecting something like "DWI", "OWI" "DUI" or whatever the term is in that place. Instead he hears "vehicular homicide." Wait - that means I. . .??? It's difficult to defend yourself against a charge when you remember nothing about the incident. And, intoxication is not a mitigating factor in most crimes. It's an aggravating factor. (This wasn't me.)

A blackout? That's when a woman wakes up in a bed she's never been in. She looks around at a room she's never seen. She's naked, as is the guy sleeping next to her - a guy she doesn't know. She makes a frantic call to a friend: "Did I do something stupid last night" "Oh, man, you don't remember?" Well, no.

I'm Rick. I'm a gratefully recovering alcoholic. My last drink was December 7, 1985. But, I've only been sober since I woke up at 5:45 this morning.

A blackout? That's when a guy wakes up in the back of the station wagon he now calls home. He remembers drinking two beers. He's shocked to find out he went through a case. He has no clue how he got into the back of his car, but if he ever finds out who got him there he's going to have to say thanks, because when he woke up it was raining. Hard. It's a hard rain gonna fall.

That last one was me.

I'm sticking to writing what I know. Alcoholism and addiction, I know much better than I ever wanted to. The fortunate thing, maybe, is that it equipped me to talk with others about this, and maybe, just maybe, make someone else's life better. It won't be a topic of every blog, but it will come up now and again. I know what my depths were. I know what my recovery is, and I thank God daily for it.

The only drink you know you have control over is the first one you ever have. After that, you may find that a lot of your choices are made for you.